Thursday, June 22, 2006

A Day In The Life (of a pathetic moron)

6:00 AM: My alarm goes off. Actually it is my cell phone alarm. I had my carpets cleaned yesterday and put a bunch of shit on my bed so the carpets could actually be cleaned. I was too lazy to take anything back off of it, so I slept on my couch in the living room instead. This made sense to me at the time.

Did I mention that RIGHT before I put shit on my bed so my carpets could be cleaned, I washed my sheets and duvet for the first time in six months? Couple that with the fact that I have lived here for about a year-and-a-half and never cleaned the carpets and rarely vacuumed.

Who needs to clean his duvet again?

Who's the 30-year-old-single-straight-male who knows what a duvet is?

6:15 Out of the shower. I have clean carpets and a hurting neck. I also slept on top of (not in) the pants I was going to wear for the school photo (see 12:30). Wrinkled much? I start preparing for class. Really prefer to watch the World Cup since I am up anyway.

6:30 Debate turning on the TV so I can at least listen to the game. Have done no work.

6:45 Have checked my e-mail. Fantasy baseball team. Myspace account. All in good order.

8:45 Finish preparing for classes. One writing assignment includes the terms "lovey-dovey" "tear-jerker" and "chick-flick" for my students to learn. That's over 18 years of education to come up with those.

9:30: Start teaching. One of my students is wearing a "skirt" that barely covers her you know what. I don't really notice. Right. I don't notice at all. I mean, I have important information io impart on them such as how to use introductory opinion phrases. Why would I notice something like that. Nope. Didnt notice at all.

11:00 Start next class. I give a quiz which the students complain is TOO EASY. Just wait for the next one mother fuckers. LOVE THEM.

11:10 This is a lower-level ESL class. I am dressed up for a school photo (see 12:30). One of my students asks me "Why are you wearing a shirt?" I let her know that I wear a shirt every day. She says "No. You don't" I'm concerned she has confused me with another teacher. Or am I?

12:00 I have twenty minutes to move my car, prepare my mentee's lesson plan, eat lunch, and use the bathroom. One of the events is just not going to happen.

12:20 Buy diapers.

12:30 Time for the SDSU staff photo. It takes the photographer about 20 minutes to get everyone to stop talking and to stand in the right place. Some people in the back have to stand on stools. A shorter dude in the front remarks "This is a no stool zone" I somewhat quietly retort "You can take fiber for that." The chick next to me laughs; then says my joke loud enough for all to hear. EVERYONE laughs. I now want her dead.

12:50 I now have ten more minutes to create some scripting for my 1:30 class as well as finish the lesson plan for the mentee to follow. It's cool. He's always late.

12:55 He's freakin early. Shit. I play it cool. I was ready for him. Totally.

1:25 Go over to the classroom. It's the last session for this class, so I don't need to teach. I just need to videotape the mentee and critique him.

1:30 The camcorder (made circa 1885) isn't working. That's cool. I get the guy in charge of the teacher training program.

1:40 The head dude does EXACTLY everything I did and comes to the conclusion that the camcorder isn't working. No shit. Really?

1:45 I get to watch a novice teacher try to pull off my lesson plan. He actually does a good job. I start wondering what people think when I am up there. I start hoping they pay more attention than I do in class...because I constantly day dream when I am in the student role. I dont think about the chick from the morning class that was kind of wearing a skirt. Nope. I didnt think about her ONE time.

4:00 I barely make it to UCSD for a meeting on time. I'm working in a new program there, and they literally (this is not an exaggeration) give me ten different codes to do things ranging from making photocopies, sending out for copies, turning on the teacher room computer, using the language lab computers, using the computer lab computers, accessing two different databases, and one to breathe.

5:00 Make it over to Pick up Stix in Mira Mesa so I can eat for the first time for the day. Well, that's kind of a lie. I had a hot chocolate (with burned milk) and a Breathsaver earlier. To add to the constant bullshit of my life, the chick who made me the hot chocolate was actually a chick I went on two dates with about four months ago. Being a small world...she just ended up managing all of the SDSU coffee shops...so now I get to see her almost every day. Did I mention we only went on two dates? Some of you have seen some of my previous dating stories...and she fits the bill. She was a complete piece of work. To top that off, I think she burned my hot chocolate on purpose. That's just spiteful.

6:00 Class starts. It is supposed to go to 9:15, but it's the first day, so I'm going to let them go early. I don't drink coffee (good thing or that coffee chick I dated might shit in it), so I am running on fumes and Pick Up Stix. Yummy.

6:15 My class thinks I am absolutely insane (they're right). One of them asks me if I am married. I reply "Why? Are you asking me? This is kind of sudden. Let me think about it for two days." HE says OK.

OK...ok...it was actually a woman that asked. Give me some literary leeway here people.

6:45 Finish going over the syllabus and everyone is awake. I'm shocked because I think I fell asleep myself at one point.

8:45 Finally get to leave class. I have been grading papers while the students are doing a diagnostic essay. I'm pretty certain that one of my students is actually a better writer than I. Definitely going to have to fail her.

9:15 Finally make it home. I get to watch Sports Center for about 15 minutes and finally feel like a real man. I find out that the US lost in the World Cup so I am thankful I didn't watch at 6:30 AM. I am also thankful that I still have a shitload of crap on my bed that I need to take down. Debate sleeping on the couch again.

9:45 Check fantasy baseball team. I notice that I am getting mocked on the message board. I remember a time when I had a chance to mock people.

9:46 Shed a tear.

10:00 I decide I should take the crap off my bed. I find ten rubber bands randomly on the duvet. Wonder if rubber bands procreate. Rubber bands would then have gotten more action in my bed than I have in the past five months.

10:30 Get pranked/cranked called by a friend of a friend. It's ok. Both chicks are hot. They then three-way call me. It's the closest I have been to a three-way in five years. The previous one involved a midget. Don't ask.

11:00 Decide that once again I lead a very odd life and decide to write about it in between IMing.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great blog. And I am in it!

prez said...

You washed your sheets for the first time in 6 months? Why the rush?

lali said...

Your "anonymous" midget friend is excited that you mentioned "him" in your blog. Some people are too easy to please.

lali said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chris said...

I believe that there was a certain 2am phone call (drunken, of course) where a certain blogger (to remain anonymous -- let's refer to him as Mark M... no... M Manasse) called me to ask what a duvet was.