Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Weird-Like Feelings

You know when you break up with someone, and you feel like you are finally over it? You still think about her from time-to-time, but you convince yourself that there are no more weird-like feelings...

That shit is never right. A couple of my friends have brought up my ex-girlfriend recently and both times, since THEY brought it up...it made me feel ill. In one instance I got all quiet and stand off-ish while in the other I got all sick and fluttery. Why is that?

Is there some sort of magical point where you simply don't care anymore? I mean, like everyone else, I have dated a ton of people in my life...and if you brought up any of them, except the most recent one, I wouldn't feel weird or think twice about it. But the most recent one still gives me that heart-drop...that pang...that sting...that screeching-brake-trying-to-avoid-an-accident sensation inside my skull when The Big C (as one of my friends has somewhat whimsically deemed her...this is actually QUITE ironic if you know the circumstances around our eventual demise) is mentioned.

Life, ultimately, is all about learning...and perspective. Additionally, if you have read the The Alchemist you could also throw in trying to be true to yourself and persevering through all internal and external obstacles that stand in the way of you becoming who you want, maybe even are destined, to be on your life journey.

I have personally found through this "learning" and "perspective" that I am atypical of many men. I am emotional, and I am ruled by passion. In essence, I think emotional stability is one of the challenges placed before me: to conquer this obstacle so I can become more balanced in my life and decision making processes. But how in the Hell am I supposed to do that when being thrown into emotional turmoil from the simple drop of a name?

I don't have an answer. My weird-like feelings have passed, though,...the screeching sound has dissipated. The accident never came. The dust is settling. Aversion has never been the problem...I'm sadly still learning how to drive the car when the tire blows.

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