Sunday, April 09, 2006

Single Life

So I am coming up on month three of single life (don't all you ladies come running at one now)...and, more correctly noted, three months of celibacy. For whatever reason, either nature or nurture, I'm just not one of those dudes that can go out and hook up with some chick I don't, normally when I am single, that also means I'm not getting any....even though my roommate suggested tonight that I just go to a bar and get drunk and find some chick to take home. Did I mention my roommate is female? Nice role reversal.

Anyway, I thought my life yesterday epitomizes what life is like for me as a single dude...and seeing as how I have a blog...well, you can see where this is going.

Now, I have never been one to have problems going to movies by myself. I do it all the time! If I have a girlfriend, if I dont have a girlfriend...I just like the alone time. First of all, I get to the movie on time, which is important to me. I love previews. I mean, I fucking LOVE them. I am a preview whore. I would bend over and take it from a preview and ask for more. That is how much I love previews.

In sum: I really like them.

So, anyway, when I am going to a movie WITH someone, invariably, he/she does not care about the previews as much as I do. They think of the previews as "an option." Funk that! Previews are God's little gifts to mankind...and to miss them is SACRILEGE!

Perhaps you are seeing why I don't have a girlfriend in the first place.

But, when going to a movie by myself...I get there in PLENTY of time to see the ENTIRE preview section. But there's more...more I say.

Movies are expensive...and so is the candy. Another advantage to going to a movie by myself is I get to eat the entire box of Junior Mints with no sharing. I am a giving person. I would give anything I own to a friend of mine...but man, I love me some Junior Mints. I feel like I am sawing off an arm when I begrudgingly ask a fellow movie goer "Would you like some of (emphasis) MY Junior Mints?"

Of course this is just out of courtesy. I hope and expect a "No" every time I ask this question. But people cannot turn Junior Mints down. And have you ever heard of someone taking ONE Junior Mint. NOOOOOOOOO. People take like ten.

So, for a brief review: Going to the movies alone = being on time for the previews and eating all the Junior Mints. Win/Win.

Now, also, keep in's a movie. You can't talk during a why bother going with anyone. I hate when people lean over and say "What did he say?" or, worse yet...since women have about nickel-sized bladders the "Excuse me...I have to go to the bathroom" lean in followed by the "What did I miss" lean in upon the return. missed a lot...and I don't have a chance to tell you about it or I am going to miss something here...

And don't even get me started with the arm rest war. Be it somebody I went to the movies with or a complete stranger...sometimes I want to use both arm rests. Yeah...that's right: BOTH. Sometimes, I am going to lean to the left. Sometimes, the right. You take into account the previews that I can't miss, I might be sitting in my chair for three hours, and you know I'm not going to get up to go to the bathroom unless I am about to puke all my Junior Mints all over the big-haired chick that always ends up sitting in front of me. But, when going to a movie alone, this generally isn't a problem. Sometimes...sometimes...I even use both arm rests AT ONCE. King for a day I am when using two arm rests at the same time.

Finally, there is no need for the post movie chatter when I go by myself. There is no obligatory "So...whatdya think?" Most of the time, people miss the point of movies anyway, and so they don't have any idea about what they just saw. I find that people that don't read a lot don't understand themes and plot lines as well as people that do a lot of times, the answer to "So...whatdya think?" is a garbled mess of "I don't know what to think. I missed half of the movie because I was peeing in the bathroom anyway."

But do you want to know what is funny? Even though I get to the movie on time, I get to eat all the Junior Mints, I get BOTH arm rests, I don't have to talk during or after the movie...I somehow, some way still miss going to a movie someone. There really is something about sharing that time together that is pretty intimate. So, like most single people, I revel in my alone time...and I don't need anyone else, but when it comes down to it, I am a human being and crave companionship no matter how much of a pain in the ass it can be.

Maybe I should get a dog or something.


Anonymous said...

You failed to mention the movie you watched which was so lame!"Benchwarmers" Then the part where you went to buy chicken at a convenience store, took it home, squirted KETCHUP on it and downed it with a glass of milk. Then end!

McNastabator said...

Well, that just wasnt part of the story.

And who doesnt like a little ketchup on his chicken?

Anonymous said...

Ten year olds!

McNastabator said...

Listen bitch. I can delete your comments at ANY time.

Now leave me alone. I need to go finish my game of Candyland.

Anonymous said...

Mark! I know you would never. But I dare you! Remember my version of HAZING? Poof! I will reverse the hazing... so ha!

Middento said...

Aaaaamen, brother! This is why I love you, and why we should go to movies together. To not talk to each other and have our own boxes of candy. And to watch the previews. (Although I myself don't care for commercials for anything else and can talk right through them.)