Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Cable Junky

When I moved to San Diego, I decided to forgo cable. I didn't want to spend the money, and I didn't want to waste my free time not working, sitting around all day watching TV. "Set myself up for success" I did. Without the temptation, I couldn't give in to the urge.

Then...I started working a lot. More money was coming in.

Then...baseball playoffs started, and I was going to a sportsbar or a game and spending $50/night at least. Cable started to look a little more affordable.

Then...one faithful day, Fate came a knockin.


Good afternoon sir. My name is THE DEVIL and I would like to offer you free cable for a month, and six months at a reduced price after that. Would you like to take a bite of my apple?

I eventually discovered he was speaking metaphorically because when I started to... OK...OK...nevermind, that's sick. Anyway, some dude came by and gave me free cable. Within 24 hours...I would have access to 70 channels. 70! 70?

I turn on my TV later in the day after my cable was hooked up...and I only had 25 stations. How dare they I thought. I, who shunned TV for 8 months, now required, nay, DEMANDED my free 70 channels. I was promised such..and 70 channels I would get. This should be an easy fix. They were so helpful before.

SO....I call Time Warner Cable. For the rest of this blog, I will refer to this company as "The Assholes."

The Assholes, this is Roger, How may I help you?

Keep in mind, Roger, one of The Assholes, didn't say this to me until I was on hold for 20 minutes.

Yes, Hi Roger. I just signed up with The Assholes, and I was supposed to get 70 FREE stations. I only seem to be getting 25.

Completely monotone and uncaring Can I get your name sir?

I give it to him

Can I get your address?

I give it to him

Can I get the last four of the SSN on the account

I'm sorry. That's my roommate's SSN and she is in Colorado. I don't have that.

Sir, The Assholes cant help you without that number.

I'm sorry?

Sir, I can not help you with the account without that identification number.

No, Roger, I heard you. I just don't have that number.

Well, I cant help you.

I am amazed. This guy, Roger, seriously just didnt give one flying you know what. So, I try to reason with him. I'm charming and so charismatic: Roger, you see my name on the account, right?


You see the address, right?


So why can't you help me?

Logical Right? WRONG! Roger was simply bating me (you know what I mean) How do I know it is you, sir?

You think I am lying to fix someone else's cable?

Sir, this conversation isnt going anywhere. I am going to have to hang up.

And then I say the following...and the conversation really went downhill from here: Roger, can you just think outside the box for me? That's my name on the account. That's my address on the account. My roommate, whose SSN is on the account, is in Colorado. I dont have that number. Can you please just help me out?


Roger, How in God's good name did I sign up for The Assholes, have The Assholes installed, and I am presently watching 25 stations of The Assholes, that are supposed to be 70, without having this number? Are you telling me that I can ORDER cable without an ID number, but I can not call and receive HELP for cable without an ID number?

Sir, I am going to have to end this conversation.

Roger, what's your ID number?

I dont have one.

You dont have an ID number? Well...HOW DO I KNOW IT'S YOU?


What's your last name?

I cant give you that information.

What's your manager's name?

I cant give you that information. I can give him your number, and he MIGHT call you back. But, since you dont have an ID number, I doubt it.

God, I just hated that Roger.

We say goodbye...and I spend the next ten minutes cursing his name...until I remember that guy who came by my house.

I call the guy who offered me the free cable in the first place...and in ONE MINUTE...he tells me the mistake the installation technician made...and I easily receive my free 70 channels of cable.

Seriously, though. And the point of even writing this...I just really that Roger guy.