Wednesday, September 21, 2005


I presently do not have a normal "life" schedule. Most people I know wake up in the morning and go to work Monday through Friday. I used to have that life, and I hated it.

Right now, I can basically wake up whenever I want. I don't have to be anywhere at 8 or 9 AM. I still am one of those people that can't seem to sleep past 8 no matter how hard I I am usually up around 7 or 8 regardless of when I went to bed the night before.

I am at this point in my life where I feel like I have a lot of options. I pretty much enjoy all the different jobs I have, and I definitely like that I am my own boss, for the most part, in every aspect of my life. I really have no one to answer to but me...and I don't have huge motivational I still get a lot done. Life a typical human being, though, I would probably get EVEN MORE done if I had a boss hovering over my shoulder. And while it is true I constantly feel that I could ALWAYS accomplish more with my days than I do, I dont feel like I am wasting my life anymore.

I used to work as a paralegal...and honestly...and not to use explicit language just for the sake of using really fucking sucked. I spent every day feeling more and more useless than the last. I didn't feel like I had any kind of respect from other people because I had no real respect for myself. I knew I could be doing SO MUCH more with my day...and yet I didn't. I was so comfortable and was making a lot of money to do basically nothing. And, at that time, I could always say: "In the future...I am going to do _____"

Well, the future is now. As I slowly creep up on (gasp) 30, I realize that there is always going to be something gnawing at me. No matter what I accomplish, I will always feel like I could have done more. Yes, this makes me extremely frustrated with myself sometimes...but it also drives me, in a sick and dark way.

I don't know what it's like to have a real "career." Maybe I am more honest with myself than other people...maybe I am just more lost. I have friends that are full time teachers, lawyers, doctors, businessmen, etc, etc...and I just don't really want any of that....not right now at least. I just can't wake up every day, put on a suit, and walk in and see the same secretary: "Morning, Nancy" "Good morning, Mr. Manasse." The thought of that makes me cringe.

But what the Hell am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to be? Yeah, I'm happier now than I was...but there is still something missing, and I spend all day wondering where my complete and utter fulfillment is. Why can't I just be content like I think I see on the faces of other people. Am I easily lied to? Maybe I am lying to myself.

So this day, this life, this moment, I thought all these things, and made all my deep reflections...and I ventured over to Hometown Buffet. I hadn't been there since the first day I moved to San Diego.

I paid for my some crap that looked somewhat edible...and I sat down, alone. Everyone I knew was at his/her life. They didn't have time to go to Hometown on a random Wednesday afternoon. I picked at my macaroni and cheese. I tried eating some baked "white" fish. And while I was in between chews, I noticed that everyone in that restaurant was at least 65 years old. They were making their second, their third, sometimes even their fourth trips to the buffet...limping along...some people with canes...others, hunched over...all of them trying to get their senior-discounted $7.00 worth.

It's not often you can be in a Hometown buffet and feel ill for some reason other than the food...but as I got up to leave, I watched one woman who was so decrepit, she had to be led to the buffet table by a slightly less incapacitated friend. Up they went...getting their food. Down they sat...counting the seconds away. And what were THEY thinking about.

I want to do something with my life. I do. I want to be proud of me. I want to accomplish what I think I am "supposed" to accomplish. But how in the Hell do I get there? If I reached my ultimate goal, wouldn't my life simply end? Why else would I go on? Would I need to make some other fill the time? How do I end the day without feeling sick? How do I wake up and not feel overwhelmed? How have I gotten here, to this keyboard, typing these words? Is this the way it should be? Or is this the way I have made it? And, beyond all that, what am I waiting for?

I just think my hunger is satiated in a way even I don't completely understand...and man, it isn't consistent. And it doesn't feel like a fricken buffet, either.